


There Must be Fifty Ways to Kill a Prophet

by Griselda_Gimpel



Category: Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity (Video Game), The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, F/M, M/M, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 50
Words: 5,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27817423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griselda_Gimpel/pseuds/Griselda_Gimpel
Summary: How did the Prophet Astor die in the original timeline? Well, you see...New Chapters: 46 to 50!
Relationships: Link/Mipha (Legend of Zelda), Link/Revali (Legend of Zelda), Master Kohga/Sooga
Comments: 206
Kudos: 169





	1. Version 1: The Banana Peel

“You mustn’t leave banana peels lying around,” Sooga chided Master Kohga one day in the Yiga Clan hideout.

“I’m the boss. I can do whatever I want,” Kohga retorted. He peeled another banana, chucking the peel carelessly over his shoulder. Astor walked by then, intent on his duties of bringing about Ganon. The heel of his foot hit the peel of the banana, down the stairs he went, and that was that.


	2. Version 2: The Guardian Laser

The malicious guardian stalker stood before the party. It trained its laser beam on Zelda. Thinking quickly, Link grabbed the lid of a cooking pot and stepped in front of her, hoping to reflect the laser. He succeeded on the second shot. The first shot was also successfully reflected, but the reflected beam missed the guardian, going wild off in the distance.

Off in the distance, Astor was taking his morning tea when a reflected guardian laser came toward him at the speed of light.


	3. Version 3: The Handsome Hinox

At Calamity Ganon’s instruction, Astor recruited a hinox to their cause, and that’s where it all went wrong for the prophet. He’d never met someone as a beautiful or as thoughtful or as intelligent or as attractive as the hinox. Forgoing his evil duties, Astor and his large love decided to run away together. So it was that on their wedding night, Astor went out with a bang.


	4. Version 4: Vah Naboris' Foot

Astor decided to take a walk in a secluded part of the Gerudo Desert. Unfortunately for him, this was the same secluded part of the Gerudo Desert where Lady Urbosa took Vah Naboris out for her paces. She didn’t even realize when she squished the prophet flat.


	5. Version 5: The Hypnotist

A passing hypnotist decided to stop by the Yiga Clan and put on an act. He asked for a volunteer from the audience. Astor did not volunteer, but he did look sulky, which was why the hypnotist called upon him.

“Cluck like a cucco,” the hypnotist instructed, and Astor did so. “Now, confess your love to Master Kohga.”

“I am passionately in love with you,” Astor told Master Kohga. Right at the moment, Sooga (who’d been using the Little Yiga Boy’s Room) returned.

“No!” he declared. “I’m in love with Master Kohga.”

“Then duel me for his love,” challenged the still hypnotized Astor.

“I shall!”

“Gee, I sure am a popular guy,” said Master Kohga.

Fearing liability in a murder case, the hypnotist slipped out the back entrance right as Astor’s body hit the floor.

And that hypnotist’s name?

Beedle.


	6. Version 6: The Bottomless Pit

On Astor’s first day with the Yiga Clan, Master Kohga and Sooga gave him a tour. They showed him the secret passage, the banana storage room, and the bottomless pit.

“How do you know it’s bottomless?” Astor asked waspily.

“Well, since no one has been to the bottom, I guess we don’t,” Master Kohga said. “You sure are a smart guy.” He gave Astor a hearty slap on the back, which unfortunately caused Astor to tumble forward into the bottomless pit.

“Perhaps that wasn’t wise,” Sooga remarked.

“Whoops,” Master Kohga conceded.

Eventually, Astor starved to death.


	7. Version 7: Meal with a Friendly Traveler

While traveling to the Yiga Clan hideout, Astor encountered another traveler. The other traveler was none other than Link, heading to Hyrule Castle to be a knight, but Astor didn’t know that, on account of Link not saying anything. Instead, Link gestured to the pot of ingredients he was cooking. Astor accepted a serving and then fell over dead, clutching his stomach. Link concluded he must have died of appendicitis, as diamond-ancient core-moblin horn stew had never bothered _him_.


	8. Version 8: The Hot Stone Massage

Stressed out by Master Kohga’s incompetence and general personality, Astor decided to go to Death Mountain in the Eldin region to get a hot stone massage to relax him.

“Don’t forget to wear sunscreen,” Master Kohga told him chirpily. “Aw, that’s the spot,” he added, as Sooga was massaging his feet while Master Kohga leaned back in his Yiga Clan Boss Man chair.

But Astor didn’t listen because Astor never listened to Master Kohga, and that’s why Astor never came back.


	9. Version 9: The Banana Eating Contest

Dissatisfied with Master Kohga’s leadership of the Yiga Clan, Astor decided to challenge him for the position. This was, of course, determined by a mighty banana eating contest. After eating ten bananas, Astor was starting to not feel great, but Master Kohga was undeterred, so Astor pressed onward. After eating twenty bananas, Astor was having difficulty seeing straight, but he was the Prophet of Calamity Ganon and so surely must prevail.

He fell over dead with the twenty-ninth banana still in his mouth.

“I win!” Master Kohga declared.

“Your banana-eating skills are an inspiration to us all,” Sooga praised.


	10. Version 10: Beedle Returns!

The blood moon rises!

Astor found himself returned to life and he cursed the hypnotist who had caused Sooga to end it. Well, he did once he dug himself out of the shallow grave he’d been buried in. He staggered over to near the bottomless pit, where he spotted a traveling merchant. Astor found himself desperate for sustenance. As he drew closer, his eyes widened with shock as he recognized the merchant.

“You!” Astor accused. “You’re the hypnotist who caused my death!”

“Nuh uh,” Beedle the Merchant lied, “I’m just a traveling merchant. I’m not a hypnotist anymore. I mean, I was never a hypnotist, and you could never prove it.”

“Yes, you are,” Astor insisted.

“You can’t prove it if you’re dead,” Beedle snarled through gritted teeth. Taking a jar from his goods, he bludgeoned Astor and dropped the body into the bottomless pit for good measure. 


	11. Version 11: The Real Calamity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to give a big THANK YOU to all my readers. Your comments are the best!

While walking through the woods, the Prophet Astor encountered a bear. Good thing I have this fire rod, he thought. He pointed the rod at the bear and activated it. The bear caught fire. So did, incidentally, the woods around the bear. As for the bear itself, it charged Astor, which was how he found himself astride the bear’s back. His clothes caught fire as the burning bear blazed through the burning woods. It was terribly misfortunate, but Astor nevertheless felt a rush as he realized that this must be how Calamity Ganon felt.


	12. Version 12: Molduga Aren’t Real

“Now don’t wander too far into the desert,” Master Kohga warned Astor on Astor’s first day with the Yiga Clan.

“I’m not afraid of Lady Urbosa,” Astor derided.

“Yeah, but there’s molduga in the desert,” Master Kohga told him.

“What’s a molduga?”

“It’s like a worm, but really large. They swim through the sand,” Master Kohga explained. Several of the masked Yiga Clan members around them nodded in agreement.

“That’s ridiculous,” Astor declared. “I’m going to go out into the desert right now and show you that there’s no molduga.” He walked out the exit in a huff, irritated by the Yiga Clan’s superstitious beliefs. He did not return.


	13. Version 13: Like a Bolt of Lightning

While spying on the research lab in the Akkala region, a lightning storm started up. Astor was holding a metal weapon.


	14. Version 11: The Lynel General

“Oh great Calamity Ganon!” Astor proclaimed after the Calamity himself had been resurrected. “Make me a general in your army!”

Calamity Ganon looked momentarily embarrassed. “There’s not really an opening. See, I figured, you’re a prophet, and Lena the Lynel did such a great good with the assault on Hyrule Castle. I hope you understand.”

“But I was instrumental in your rebirth!” Astor protested.

“Um, well, here, why don’t you and Lena compete for it.”

“Thank you, my liege. I will prove myself worthy of the position.”

Calamity Ganon had Lena the Lynel called over and explained the situation to her.

“What shall be the competition, Lord?” Lena asked. “Archery? Racing?” She did not say it, but she hoped it would not be canoeing.

“I don’t, fight to the death or something,” Calamity Ganon said dismissively.


	15. Version 15: Revali’s Treatise

Astor was traveling through the Hebra Mountains. Unaware of his presence, Revali resided on a cliff ledge above. He was hard at work on his treatise. He had hand bound nearly a thousand sheets of paper into a book with a hard wood cover. Now he was putting the final touches on it, filling in the pages using a quill and ink.

“Reasons I hate that stupid knight who follows the princess around,” Revali muttered to himself and then wrote.

Reason 9,987: He doesn’t have feathers.

Reason 9,988: He’s going to marry a shark. Nothing against the zora, but feathers > scales.

Reason 9,989: He never appreciates my talents.

Reason 9,990: He never has any sharp retorts when I insult him.

Reason 9,991: He probably doesn’t even have a cloaca.

Reason 9,992: He’s too pr

“Oh, drat,” Revali swore as the book slipped from his grasp, fell down, and brained Astor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to get some more up this weekend. As you might have noticed, they're going up in batches of five, and you can expect that to continue.


	16. Version 16: The Annual Running of the Lynels

Astor was crossing Hyrule Field when he heard what sounded like a thousand drums beating. He turned to see a dust cloud rising in the distance. It grew larger as it came closer. He remembered too late that it was the annual running of the Lynels, and he was in the way.


	17. Version 17: The Secret Room

In preparation for the Calamity, Astor was sent to Hyrule Castle to steal a special book from the library. Just as he had gotten his hands on the book, he heard someone coming. Casting about wildly, he lucked out and activated a secret room. Ducking inside, he closed it behind him and waited until he heard the footsteps leaving. Then he tried to open the door of the secret room from the inside, only to discover that he was trapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did Ganon even want with The Cask of Amontillado, anyway?


	18. Version 18: Getting Rid of a Bottomless Pit

“Why do you even have a bottomless pit, anyway?” Astor asked Kohga after arriving at the Yiga Clan hideout.

“Dunno,” Kohga answered. “It’s always been there. You could fill it in if you want.”

“You can’t fill in a bottomless pit,” Astor told him witheringly.

“Just because you can’t do something doesn’t mean it can’t be done.”

“Are you doubting my capabilities?”

“Only repeating what you said.”

“I’ll do it right now!”

Astor grabbed a shovel and headed out to the bottomless pit. But by this point it was night and the temperature had dropped to dangerously low temperatures, so he died of exposure.


	19. Version 19: The Other Secret Room

While in the far northeast corner of the land, Astor was investigating a shrine within a maze. To his curiosity, he found a room underneath the room where the shrine lay. He dropped down to investigate. It was dark until he stumbled into a guardian, which activated. He took several steps backward and accidently activated another one. Then another. Soon Astor found himself facing a whole room of guardians.

“I am a prophet of Calamity Ganon,” Astor proclaimed.

The guardians didn’t appear to hear.


	20. Version 20: Odd for Love, Even for Hate

Astor was walking through the Hebra mountains when he heard a _thwing_ sound, followed by the voice of the Rito Champion Revali. Then there was another _thwing_ sound and more words. Astor drew closer until he could hear.

_Thwing_.

“I love him.”

_Thwing_.

“I hate him.”

_Thwing_.

“I love him.”

_Thwing_.

“I hate him.”

_Thwing_.

“I love him.”

_Thwing_.

“Oh, drat, that arrow went wide. Better go make sure I didn’t hit an animal or something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, back to trying to figure out how to get Master Kohga's third special attack bar so he can be all ready for his fight against Astor in the final story chapter of the game.


	21. Version 21: A Short Step to a Long Drop

The prophet Astor was sent to the Great Plateau to recruit the lynel who lived there.

“Praise Ganon,” Astor said after he finished his climb to the top. “Come join us.”

“Rarr!” the lynel said. He charged Astor.

Astor took a step backward. There wasn’t any surface behind him for his foot to land on.


	22. Version 22: The Depths of Hyrule Castle

For the purpose of resurrecting Calamity Ganon, Astor was sent to retrieve an item from the dungeon of Hyrule Castle. Well, okay, _he_ wasn’t sent. He was just supposed to be in charge of making sure it got done. But the minions that Astor sent didn’t come back, and neither did the replacement minions that he sent after that. Eventually, Astor decided that if he wanted it done right, he would have to do it himself.

He faced no difficulty into getting into the dungeon of Hyrule Castle. He followed the directions he had been given carefully. First a left, then another left, and then a right. Next there would be a passage to his left. Astor turned down the passage and found himself facing a dead end. Frowning, he turned around. He must have taken a wrong turn somewhere.

He turned left, then right, and then right again. His brows furrowed in frustration. He was facing another dead end, rather than the entrance he had come in by. As he tried for a futile third attempt to find his way either to his destination or out again, he reflected that perhaps he had been too harsh in his judgements of the teams that he had sent before. 


	23. Version 23: The Frozen Stream Challenge

There was a shrine that Astor needed to access to achieve Ganon’s goals, but the only way to reach it was via a frozen stream. He tested the water with his pinky. It chilled him instantly. He eyed the distance to the shrine critically.

“I can make it in time,” he finally muttered to himself, wading into the water.

He was wrong.


	24. Version 24: The Flying Contraption

Link was a clever knight, and Princess Zelda had lent him her sheikah slate. He found a mine cart and metal block. Using the magnet feature of the sheikah slate, he placed the metal block in the mine cart. Smiling, he stood on the block and used the magnet on the mine cart. To his delight, all three lifted up in the air. With careful manipulation of the magnet, Link found that he could fly!

Unfortunately, he lost control of the contraption.

Even more unfortunately, there was a person below him when he came down.

Thus, that was the end of the prophet Astor.


	25. Version 25: A Long and Quiet Life

The prophet Astor always dreamed of serving Calamity Ganon. He was sure that one day, he would be called to Ganon’s service, and they would wreak havoc on Hyrule together. He was almost dismayed, then, when Calamity Ganon returned without Astor’s help.

Surely, Astor reasoned, Ganon was just waiting for the right moment to call upon Astor, but the battle was fought and won by Ganon’s forces without Astor being needed.

Astor considered going to Ganon on his own volition, but he found himself hesitating. It seemed cowardly to approach Ganon now that the Champions had been slain and the guardians coopted.

When he finally made up his mind to get involved regardless, he arrived at Hyrule Castle to find that Princess Zelda had sealed Ganon inside, and there was nothing that Astor could do.

Eventually, he died of old age.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woot woot! Halfway point!


	26. Version 26: Up, Up, and Away!

The prophet Astor foresaw that Lord Ganon’s victory would require octorok balloons, so he set about gathering them. He felt no pity for the octoroks that perished in providing the balloons. Assuredly, it was their fate to give their lives – and inflatable internal organs – for the great Ganon’s glory.

He collected one octorok balloon, two octorok balloons, three octorok balloons. His step felt light as he continued in his task. He collected six octorok balloons, seven octorok balloons, eight octorok balloons. His step felt even lighter. So light, in fact, that it seemed as though Astor was rising in the air. This, he realized belatedly, was because he was rising in the air. But he couldn’t just toss the octorok balloons. Oh no, certainly not that. Those were for Lord Ganon. He held onto them tight and floated up beyond where there was any oxygen to breathe.


	27. Version 27: Promotion to General

Astor longed to be a general in Lord Ganon’s army. The Calamity himself, always keen on promoting from within the ranks, agreed in light of Astor’s ambition. He made Astor the leader of the undead forces. Astor enthusiastically accepted the promotion, and as he effusively thanked Lord Ganon for the oppertunity, Ganon explained he always felt that it was best for the undead forces to have an undead leader.


	28. Version 28: Goron Challenge

To gain intelligence on the enemy, Astor was sent to infiltrate the goron forces. They were enthusiastic about making a new friend and led him to a large metal plate over a fire. He had to undertake the Goron Challenge, they insisted. Astor agreed. He did not pass.


	29. Version 29: A Crushing Defeat

Astor was sent to recruit a hinox, who happened not to be Astor’s type. Unfortunately, the hinox did not see Astor arrive. Even more unfortunately, the hinox chose to sit down right as he did so.


	30. Version 30: Out of the Fire, Into the Frying Pan

Astor was assisting a bokoblin unit on the orders of Lord Ganon. When it was his turn to keep guard, he decided that he would rather sleep, and anyway, he could just generate hollows to do the watching for him. So he cast the spell and headed off to dreamland.

In the morning, Astor was awoken by the head of the unit, Captain Donner. The officer was glaring at Astor when Astor’s eyes opened. Astor stood up to face him.

“What is it?” Astor asked, only he asked it with a contemptuous sneer.

“Someone raided our camp in the night and stole all our food because someone didn’t keep watch like they were supposed to.”

“Then what are we going to have for breakfast?” Astor demanded.

Captain Donner nodded to two of his soldiers, who Astor realized too late had snuck up behind him. They grabbed Astor’s arms and pulled them behind Astor’s back.

“Prophet pankcakes,” Captain Donner answered, baring his teeth.


	31. Version 31: Spikes from the Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before we get on with the silliness, a serious topic. Covid-19 vaccines are getting approval in various countries, and vaccinations have already begun. I want to strongly encourage everyone to get vaccinated when it's recommended for them to do so. Additionally, I was a volunteer in the Phase 3 trials for the Pfizer vaccine. So if anyone has any questions about the vaccine, be encouraged to hit me up in the comments section. I'd be happy to provide any information that I can.

The prophet Astor was instructed by Calamity Ganon to aid the Yiga Clan. His first day, he received a tour of their hideout.

“Wait, don’t take another step!” Master Kohga shouted suddenly, but it was too late. Astor had already moved further down the hall and activated the spiked wall trap.


	32. Version 32: Spikes from the Floor

The prophet Astor was instructed by Calamity Ganon to aid the Yiga Clan. His first day, he received a tour of their hideout.

“Wait, don’t take another step!” Master Kohga shouted suddenly, and Sooga grabbed Astor by the collar and yanked him back just in time to avoid the spiked wall trap. Astor shook himself free from Sooga’s grasp, staggered into the next room, and promptly activated the spiked floor trap.


	33. Version 33: Seriously, Who Designed This Place?

For some reason, the Yiga Clan hideout had explosive barrels displayed on shelves in various hallways and rooms. Astor had the misfortune to be standing next to one when there was an earthquake caused by Lady Urbosa coming too close to the Yiga Clan hideout in Vah Naboris.


	34. Version 34: Not Something He Ate

Astor’s side hurt. He assumed it was just something he’d eaten, but actually, it was his appendix.


	35. Version 35: Still Bottomless

The blood moon rises!

The prophet Astor found himself returned to life. Unfortunately, he was still falling in the bottomless pit after having been thrown in there by the hypnotist-turned-merchant Beedle.


	36. Version 36: Allergies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Nochebuena! In the spirit of the holiday*, have some humorous homicide.

The prophet Astor was sent by Lord Ganon to assist the Yiga Clan in their efforts. Everything was going fine expect that whenever Astor stood next to one of the blademasters, he’d break out in a rash. He didn’t think anything of it until the princess’ forces raided the hideout. Astor found himself guarding the banana room with a dozen blademasters, at which point Astor was forced to accept that he was severely allergic to the Yiga Clan’s elite troops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *In that it can be hazardous to one's health to get in the cook's way when the cook's a-cooking.


	37. Version 37: Pretty Sure That’s a War Crime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went the horror route with this one, so fair warning.

The prophet Astor stood on the battlefield, watching events unfold. The princess’ knight, Link, was a whirlwind of fury as he fought. A moblin fell to his blade. Stooping quickly, Link cut open the moblin’s stomach and pulled out its guts, which he stuffed into his bag. Then he slew two bokoblins with a single strike, wrenching a tooth out of the mouth of one and sawing off the horn of the other. A lynel tried to stop him, but all that resulted in was a dead lynel and Link adding four lynel hooves to his bag.

Astor felt chills go down the back of his neck as Link turned his attention on Astor, and Astor wondered bleakly what body part Link wished to add to his gruesome collection.


	38. Version 38: Any Tool is a Weapon if you Hold it Right

Astor found himself fighting along General Gretchen, who was a moblin. Link and Mipha fought their way closer. They fought as one, a true battle couple. Link feinted at General Gretchen from the left, and when General Gretchen turned to parry, Mipha darted in from the right and used her trident to send General Gretchen’s club flying. Astor didn’t know what General Gretchen was going to do without her weapon, but General Gretchen did. Stooping down, she grabbed Astor by the leg and began to beat Link with him.


	39. Version 39: Big Glowy Blast

Master Kohga and Sooga were in the former’s quarters, and Master Kohga was showing off his biceps.

“See ‘em and weep,” Master Kohga boasted as Sooga squeezed his muscles.

“You are very strong,” Sooga gushed. “Please show me your big glowy blast.”

“Mm, well, if you insist,” Master Kohga said, as Sooga continued to feel up his muscles. Without asking Sooga to stop, Master Kohga worked up to the big glowy blast. He launched it right as a stranger walked into his room and was caught in the blast.

“Sir! You can’t go in there!” a Yiga Clan foot soldier panted at the doorway. He bowed low to Master Kohga. “Sorry, Master Kohga. He insisted on seeing you. I told him you weren’t available, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Who did?” Master Kohga asked, eying the pile of robes that were all the remained of the intruder.

“He said his name was Astor,” the Yiga Clan foot soldier explained.

“Oh, well. Clean up the mess, willya?”


	40. Version 40: So That’s Where the Bottomless Pit Goes!

The blood moon rises!

Astor resurrected to discover that he was still falling, after having been thrown in the bottomless pit by the hypnotist-turned-merchant Beedle. He fell and fell and fell, and then gravity did a flip flop as Astor was shot into the air, where he landed rather heavily on solid ground.

“Oh, blessed stone!” Astor exclaimed and kissed the floor.

“Greetings,” a voice said.

Astor looked up to find himself facing a boat, the front of which was carved into the shape of a predatory animal. “Did you just talk?”

“I did,” the boat said.

“You’re a boat,” Astor pointed out.

“I am the King of the Red Lions,” the boat said. “Would you like to return to the surface?”

“Very much so.”

“Then climb in.”

Astor climbed into the boat, which begun to spin rabidly, and then Astor and the talking boat were upon a great sea. The boat – the King of the Red Lions – offered to take Astor to Windfall Island, so Astor raised the sail.

Then, as their destination came into view, a boat pulled alongside them. It was a merchant boat, and the man sitting in it was a familiar face to Astor.

“You!” screamed Astor, his whole being contorted in rage. For the merchant was none other than Beedle himself. Spring off of the King of the Red Lions, Astor tried to get his hands around Beedle’s throat.

“What’s going on? Who are you?” Beedle cried, but Astor was beyond reason. So no one could really blame Beedle for defending himself.


	41. Version 41: The Laws of Hyrule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to get this set up! I spent the winter break working on my original fiction: The Tyrant, the Fairy, and the Au Pair. After taking eleven months to write six chapters, I wrote fourteen chapters in twelve days and so finished the rough draft. That's now off for editing and should begin posting sometime in February.

The prophet of Calamity Ganon heard his decree, and he obeyed! Surveillance of all of Hyrule was what the great Ganon required, and it was what Astor would provide. Lacking wings himself, Astor set about a clever plan. He gathered up a collection of octorok balloons and a boat. He attached four of the octorok balloons to the boat. The boat rose into the air, and Astor used a large leaf to guide the boat over the land, observing the lakes and rivers and roads and towns below. Of course, he had to periodically stop directing the boat to mark down the lakes and rivers and roads and towns on his map. And he also had to periodically replace the octorok balloons that were keeping the boat in the air. It was a lot to keep on top of.

Which is to say, he ended up crashing in the moat around Hyrule Castle. The royal guard arrested him on the spot, and he was charged with flying an unlicensed aircraft in royal airspace.

Apparently, in Hyrule, that carried the death penalty.


	42. Version 42: The Treasure Chest Trap

The princess’s knight liked treasure. This was reported to Astor by his spies. He decided that he would set a clever trap for the princess’s knight, and in doing so, rid Ganon of the threat that wielded the sword that seals the darkness.

To this end, Astor set a treasure chest where the princess’s knight would find it and hid inside. When the knight opened it, Astor would be prepared to spring out and kill him.

He wasn’t expecting for the knight to kick it, and certainly not as hard as he did.

And nobody expected the treasure chest to roll over the edge of a cliff and plunge down into the ravine below.


	43. Version 43: It’s Raining Cats and Dogs and Malice Guardians

Calamity Ganon had conquered Hyrule Castle! Astor watched his master’s triumph with glee. Large pillars had sprung from the ground and now encircled the castle. Out of these fell guardians wonderfully corrupted by malice.

Astor smiled as yet another guardian fell from the spire closest to him. The smile turned to a frown as he realized the guardian was coming down right on top of him.


	44. Version 44: Zora Reproduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this is another Sorry, Not Sorry chapter.

The Prophet Astor was spying on the princess’ knight, who was with his girlfriend, Mipha. They were sitting on a bench in Zora’s Domain. Astor was hidden behind a bush nearby. He had to be careful; there was a sharp drop right behind him.

“Link, I want to talk about our future,” Mipha said in a soft, gentle voice.

Link nodded. Astor made a silent gagging motion, although he was careful not to give away his position.

“I want to marry you,” Mipha said.

The knight nodded again. Astor rolled his eyes.

“I want to have your babies,” Mipha said.

Link continued nodding. Astor was tempted to blow his position just to stop the lovely-dovey scene.

“I want to swim along side you in the river while you bite me.”

Astor raised an eyebrow. So did Link.

“I want you to insert your clasper into my oviduct.”

Link was blushing. Astor was still disgusted at how sappy they were being, but even he was feeling a bit shamefaced. Calamity Ganon needed him to spy on the princess’ knight, but maybe he didn’t need to do it right this minute. Not when Mipha was getting explicit. (At least, Astor presumed she was being explicit. He was going to have to look up both “clasper” and “oviduct”.)

“I hope we have two children, a boy and a girl.”

Astor was about ready to leave, certain that he wasn’t going to get any quality intel.

“They can eat their siblings in my womb, so that only the two strongest of our children survive.”

“What the Hell?” Astor exclaimed.

“Who said that?” Mipha demanded.

Astor made a hasty exit. Unfortunately, he did so right over the cliff edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shark reproduction is fascinating.


	45. Version 45: Wait, Which Timeline is This Again?

The Prophet Astor was taking a pleasant stroll along the lower regions of Death Mountain, just minding his own evil business, when the air rippled in front of him. A man and an adorable tiny Guardian stepped out. It took Astor a moment, but he recognized the man as Master Kohga of the Yiga Clan. They’d met briefly during one of their Forces of Evil MagiZoom™ conference calls.

“Glory be to Lord Ganon,” Astor said jovially by way of greeting, at which point Master Kohga punched him in the face. “What was that for?”

Master Kohga glared at him. In fact, he glared at Astor so hard that Astor could tell he was glaring despite Master Kohga wearing a mask. It was that powerful of a glare.

“You don’t know,” Master Kohga said. It wasn’t a question.

“I really don’t,” Astor agreed.

“Then I shall tell you.”

“Please do. My jaw hurts.”

“I’m not the Master Kohga you know. This is the original timeline. I’m from an alternate timeline created when Terrako here traveled back in time from this timeline.”

Astor frowned. “If you’ve traveled here from an alternate timeline, doesn’t this now make this an alternate timeline, too?”

It really was a good question, but unfortunately for Astor, Master Kohga hadn’t crossed timelines for a philosophy discussion.

“I’m here to kill you in this timeline, too,” Master Kohga said.


	46. Version 46: The Prince of the Winning Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we head into this, the final five chapters, and with apologies to Paul Simon, I'd like to leave you with these song lyrics: 
> 
> There must be fifty ways to kill a prophet  
> Fifty ways to kill a prophet  
> You just step on a tack, Jack  
> Stick your head in a fan, Stan  
> You’re an unneeded boy, Roy  
> Astor, set yourself free  
> Get hit by the bus, Gus  
> Your will don't need to discuss much  
> Chop off your knee, Lee  
> And Astor, set yourself free
> 
> (If there's anyone named Jack, Stan, Roy, Gus, or Lee reading this, I'd like to clarify that the song isn't directed at you. Rather, Jack Stan Roy Gus Lee Astor happens to be the full name of Ganon's prophet.)

Lord Ganon remained sealed inside Hyrule Castle, but his minions still ravaged the land. Among these were his prophet, Astor. It was Astor who decided to lead an attack on Zora Domain.

The fighting was fierce, and Astor found himself locked in single combat with the prince of the zora. The prince thrust his trident at Astor. It was a glancing blow that knocked Astor backwards.

“Surrender!” boomed Prince Sidon. Then he smiled, a dazzling smile, and Astor found himself smitten. The forces of Calamity Ganon retreated, and as Astor settled into his tent at the encampment, he found himself sinking into deep despair. For Prince Sidon was an enemy of Lord Ganon. They could never be together.

The Prophet Astor died of a broken heart.


	47. Version 47: The Mountain and the Moon

Astor was up on the peak of Dueling Peaks Mountains, admiring the moon. It was a lovely full moon, and he was considering sketching it. He could almost imagine he could see a face in the moon, and he smiled at that. The stars twinkled in the sky, and the moon seemed to be coming closer. Astor’s serenity was dashed by a frown.

The moon _was_ coming closer. There _was_ a face in it. Before he expired, Astor dug out his pen and sketchbook and in the light of the falling moon, drew a picture of it.


	48. Version 48: Ja Baij Shrine

Astor broke into the Ja Baij Shrine and stole the rune to make bombs. With glee, he summoned his first bomb. He intended to throw it at the wall but dropped it by accident. Then he tried to dismiss it but activated it by accident.


	49. Version 49: Corta Lake

At the edge of Corta Lake, Astor decided to steal a barrel from some innocent villagers trying to gather water. They cowed when he approached them without him even needing to work any magic. Nor did they voice a protest when he snatched the barrel away from them. He intended then to throw it in the water so that it would go over numerous falls and be dashed on the rocks below, but he tripped on a rock on the bank. The barrel did go into the lake, but Astor went in right after it. He floundered in the water, but he was too far from the bank, and the current was too strong. He grabbed the barrel, instead, climbing inside just as it went over the first of several waterfalls.


	50. Version 50: The False Bokoblin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. Final chapter. I just want to thank everyone for reading and commenting. This fan fic has been more popular than anything else I've ever written. If you like my work and want to read other things by me, my original fiction The Tyrant, the Fairy, and the Au Pair will begin semi-regular updates starting in February. I'm also participating in the Black is Beautiful 2021 fic exchange (https://archiveofourown.org/collections/BlackIsBeautiful2021), so you'll be able to read fics from me for an assortment of different fandoms in March.

The Prophet Astor was dressed as a bokoblin. That was to say, he had a stitched together imitation bokoblin head that he was wearing. He had red clothes to complete the outfit. He was sitting together with a number of actual bokoblins. HR for Calamity Ganon had suggested that Astor could help foster a better workplace environment if he learned to emphasize with his evil coworkers better. Hence why he was now dressed up as a bokoblin, sitting together with a bunch of other bokoblins, feeling like a right git if he was going to be perfectly honest. (Which he wasn’t, as being perfectly honest was what had gotten him spoken to by HR in the first place.)

Another bokoblin approached. This bokoblin, oddly enough, was dressed like a Gerudo woman. Still, HR had told Astor that he shouldn’t make derogatory statements about other people’s heritage or clothing choices, so he didn’t say anything.

The new bokoblin came close enough to be properly illuminated by the light of the fire and then drew a sword. To Astor’s shock, he realized that the new bokoblin wasn’t a bokoblin at all, but a hylian wearing a bokoblin head, just as he was. His shock increased as he realized that the individual before him was none other than the princess’ knight, and the sword he had drawn was the sword that seals the darkness.

There was no time for Astor to cast a spell as the knight Link raised his sword for the killing blow. “This is how I die??” Astor gasped. The knight paused momentarily to shrug, as if to ask, _How else would you die?_ As the sword came down, a number of possibilities flashed through Astor’s mind. In fact, he could think of at least forty-nine other ways that he might have died.

**Author's Note:**

> It's like the old song goes: "There must be fifty ways to kill a prophet." Or is that, "leave your lover"? It's definitely one of the two.


End file.
